Dra's Spirit Within

November 10, 2014

I woke up feel blah today. I took my medicine this morning and I just can't get rid of this feeling. Well with a little soul searching I figured out why I am down. As I am being treated for so many things right now I am trying to stay positive but between the body aches and being unable to work it gets me down. It seems like I have to change medication every six months because it stops working, It is so frustrating!

But on a different note I think my issue is being brought on by a class I am taking., I decided to take a woman's studies class and this week we are discussing Domestic Violence. As I read the discussion post that we are suppose to choose from and respond to one I started having nightmares again. It just all came back! I thought I had worked through all the abuse and the emotional turmoil that ensued but I guess it is still there lying in wait. Today many years ago I was raped. It changed my life forever, some of it for the good and some of it for the worse. I spent many a day in counseling going over why I spend my life looking at it as before the rape and after the rape, Why I have such huge walls up against loving someone and allowing someone to love me. I have worked so hard to get on with my life and when issues like these two slip back in it makes me stop and wonder if I really have worked it all out. I am confused, I am tired, I am hurting, I am sad. I allow myself to feel, I allow myself to heal but I haven't allowed myself to love. I feel alone, I know I should probably contact someone but its hard since I don;t have a phone right now or a car to go to them nor do I have bus money. I am trapped by being poor. I know this all sounds so negative but I feel I have to get it off my chest! I need to get it out of my mind, my soul and my body. I need healing,

As I sit here and type these words, I am thinking about what I could do to heal my soul today. Maybe if I take a hot shower, eat a good meal, then sit down and just start responding to one of the topics it will ease my mind. Maybe I can just type it out of my system. I am a good woman who's issue was loving someone, trusting someone, enough that I allowed them to hurt me. I was not at fault for what they did to me, I just happened to love the wrong type of people. Its easy to do. Trusting a person to love you the way you love them, Allowing them in your heart, hoping that life will be good together, staying together hoping it will get better, and letting them go when all they have done is abuse you, Rebuilding your self stronger yet keeping your heart open that you deserve a better life then the one you were living. Finding yourself, caring for yourself, and trusting in yourself to make a better choice and move on in life. I am 56 years old. I am single. I am sick, I wake up every day and hope that today will be a better day, That today I will get something done, That today I will laugh, cry or love the people in my life. Today I am STRONG! As I lay down each night I pray that I rest well, and that I wake up tomorrow thankful for what I do have.